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Home > Politics

The IRA: An announcement

31 July 2005

It is with the greatest regret that the leadership of Oompalgh na lUmpahe has announced that, as of 4:00pm this afternoon, the IRA (UK Ltd) will cease trading.

Over recent months, our position as Britain's most successful terror organisation has come under attack from a number of sides. The effects of September 11th and a sharp decline in the value of the dollar have both had a significant effect on our cash flow, while the arrival of a large number of new competitors within the UK terror market has caused our market share to decline substantially.

Attempts to merge with competitors including SMERSH, The IRS, OMD, PETA and the RAC have all failed - primarily due to a lack of shared aims between ourselves and these organisations. Although to be fair, the RAC did offer to change their slogan from 'We're always there' to 'We know where you live'.

As Investors in People, we are taking all possible steps to assist our 10000-strong terror-skilled workforce in obtaining new employment. Each former employee has be issued with a spacious rucksack, a stick-on beard and a pre-misinterpreted copy of the Koran - while the names of senior managers will be leaked to Channel 5 for inclusion as silhouetted talking heads in a series of interminable 'real life' documentaries. The first of these crime-glorifying works of shit - The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Grass - is due to air on Good Friday 2006.

With immediate effect, all IRA volunteers have been ordered to cease all non-democratic, and unlawful action both within Ireland and on the British mainland. However, we will endeavour to honour all existing contracts. If you were due to be kneecapped, beaten or left for dead in a field, please email hits@the-ira.com so that alternative arrangements can be made.

Féinally, we would like to take this opportunity to thank all of our customers for their lack of Loyalism over the last 30 years.

Sincerely,

The IRA (In Administration)



Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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