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Home > Politics

Tory Leadership: Some Reasoned Analysis

14 October 2005

Ah, the Tories. The mad old, bad old Tories and their silly old leadership competition. Watching it all going down in Blackpool last week one couldn't help but be reminded of a school nativity play: a drama that in ancient times was considered of vital significance but that in modern times is just an excuse for children to act like donkeys or sheep. And with a leading man who, despite ending the second act looking like the king of the world, will inevitably end up being crucified by his peers at the first sign of trouble.

The messiah-favorite as the Tories were wheeled into the convention centre was David Davis, but a few short days later - following a 'lacklustre' conference speech by the favourite, bookmakers were backing young upstart David Cameron (39) for the top job. Still, unfortunately for Cameron, bookies don't get a vote. So Davis is still the front runner. But wait! Who's this coming up behind? It's lovable old Dr Fox! Wednesday's highest mover, up 15 places to number three.

Yes, Dr Liam Fox, the only Tory candidate to have killed a motorcyclist with a sportscar, is riding high after securing the support of 15 members of the Conservative's right-wing Cornerstone Group following a gruelling question and answer session. Highlight of the evening: Kenneth Clarke being asked whether he had ever taken hard drugs. Answer: 'I have never taken cocaine.' Dr Fox now has support from an impressive 30 MPs, compared to Clarke's 22, Davis' 65 and Cameron's two. Two. Nice one, bookies.

But there's still all to play for...

...actually, no. There isn't. There is nothing whatsoever to play for. It doesn't matter a jot who wins or who loses. The hanger? Or the flogger? Who cares? Who gives a flying blue-rinsed fuck? They should all - Davis, Clarke, Cameron, Fox - the lot of them - just go away, bury themselves and quietly make room for some proper opposition. One that hasn't become obsolete, replaced by New Labour.

Whatever happened to the Lib Dems?

Oh, fuck it. We're doomed.

Bring on the Chinese.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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