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Home > Politics

David Davis - White Whine for the Ladies

11 November 2005

David Davis works upstairs. He's got a room on the seventh floor of our office building. Probably more than one room actually. You know how greedy they are. We often bump into his bogeys in the lift or at reception. They're invariably surly, supercilious and every so slightly sinister. And they're all men. Davis likes men. Probably not in *that* way. He probably just feels more comfortable in their presence. But still, like it or not, women make up more than half of the electorate and, sadly, whichever David ends up leading the Conservative Party will have to be seen to be give a damn. So this week they both cast off their gruffness and did Woman's Hour together, dedicating a full twenty-seven minutes to trapping the vulvote.

Davis got off to a dull start. Given sixty seconds to woo the ladies, he began by admitting that Conservatives had in the past been sleazy, self-serving, dishonest and tedious. That might have been a good start if he hadn't then backtracked and said that at least, they had given that impression. That was the first thirty seconds. In the end he barely referenced women at all, except to say that he wants to see more of them in politics. He wants to 'headhunt women, train women, promote women' and to persuade councils to hire them. He had all the warmth, all the empathy, all the humanity of a man who genuinely believes women are a different species. He was shit. Cameron was much better. He mentioned finding solutions to 'the scandal of unequal pay, the
issue of child-care and flexible working, the importance of making sure women have access to good pensions, which they don't at the moment'. He won't find solutions of course - hell, he won't even look - but at least he's aware of the issues.

'If you look at our jobs', said Davis, digging his way down, 'actually in many ways women are better at parts of our jobs than men, because of the actual skills that it requires [sic].' Ah, yes. Women skills. Even Doreen, his wife, has referred to Davis as 'a male chauvinist pig' in interviews. Davis insists, as is his wont, that she was joking. 'Anyone who knows her,' he said 'knows my wife's got a very firm grip of me.' That's the kind of man he is. The kind that jokes about her indoors wearing the trousers whilst at one and the same time wondering what the point of her is if she doesn't have her arms full of cakes or her belly full of babby.

Woman's Hour presenter Martha Kearney read out an email in which one listener took Davis to task over his publicity stunt involving buxom women wearing tee-shirts sporting the slogan, 'It's DD for me'. 'How exactly does he expect to gain the support of professional women like myself,' she asked, 'with crass offensive stunts like this and the underlying attitudes to women demonstrated by them?' Ouch. Davis' defence was that it was 'a sense of humour failure all round'. Asked if he regretted it, he replied, 'These things happen. They go wrong and they go right. The idea came from a girl and some people were upset by that and I am sorry.' Actually, that quote is taken from the Evening Standard and typically, it's bollocks, with at least a dozen words cut from what he actually said in order to make him sound like even more of a klutz than he actually is. But fuck it. He is an incredible klutz.

At some point he mentioned something his wife had told him recently. 'You've just got to realise what the Conservative party looks like from the gallery,' she said. 'You look like a bunch of white men and you don't look like the country you're trying to represent. And you've got to fix it.' Slightly on the kind side - they actually look like a bunch of white turds in suits - but good advice nonetheless. And how did he repay her? During the last-minute light-hearted quickfire round when both Davids were called upon to respond to the day's more pressing questions - e.g. 'Lager or beer?', 'Jamie or Delia?' - Davis responded to the question, 'Blonde or Brunette?' thus: 'Blonde... I shouldn't have said that. My wife is a brunette.' She isn't. She's a redhead. Urk. It's the little things, David, the little things.

Martha's blonde though.

The last of the quick fire questions was 'Tony or Gordon?' which is rather like a tie-wearing version of a question they tend to ask the naked babes over at unreconstructed lads' site Max Power: 'Pink or Brown?' Unsurprisingly, both Davids answered with 'neither'.

A poor performance on the whole then, but at the end of the day, David Davis works upstairs, so with a very localised patriotism in our hearts, we feel we have to support him. And if he wins the leadership race (which he won't) we will support him against Brown at the next election. Only kidding. He's shit.

Go Cameron!



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