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Home > Politics

An Open Letter to David Cameron

11 December 2005

'Young people are completely turned off by Punch and Judy politics and cheap point-scoring - I just won't play that game.'
- David Cameron


Dear David

Latin. Imagining your parents having sex. Fox-hunting. Academic study for its own reward. Religion. Imagining other people's parents having sex. These, David, are a few the things that turn young people off. But 'Punch and Judy politics and cheap point-scoring'? Please. That's just about all that does turn us on about politics.

Remember Paxman beating the crap out of Michael Howard? Or when dubious George Galloway took on the Senate? Or when Big Brother dissolved into a physical fight and that dopey girl with the face had to be dragged off, kicking and screaming into a padded room to be deprogrammed? We do. And we fucking loved that shit.

You've just been voted leader of the opposition. David Davis is, as we write, stripping naked and climbing on to the roof of our offices, preparing to throw himself to the mercy of gravity and cold London traffic. Twooosh. Thplat. Honk. That turns us on too, actually. This is your big chance. Your job now, if you choose to accept it, is to score as many cheap points as you possibly can against Tony before he quits. Or his heart gives out. Or Gordon grows some balls, saddles up a stalking horse and makes his move. You've got a couple of months at best - and a lot of ground to cover. Iraq. Our surrender of the subsidy. The fact that Tony has pretty much adopted all of your public service policies. Do you really need a cheat-sheet?

Get yourself a good script-writer, David, write some zingers and let him have it with both barrels. Shake things up for the sake of us all. Then when Gordon lumbers into power - untested, point-scoring vacuum that he is - you'll already be sitting pretty as the smart, funny one. Like Charles Kennedy would have been if he'd kept off the sauce and on the offensive.

Martin Sheen in 'The West Wing'. Jon Stewart. We'd vote for them, if we could. Think on.

Yours sincerely,

The Friday Thing

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