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Home > Politics

Boris Johnson: Queasy Lover

7 April 2006

Most people have at least one friend who persists, time and time again, with awful, demeaning relationships. These relationships invariably feature a crap partner who does all the things you really shouldn't do to someone you ostensibly care about. Things like:

- Borrowing money, not for valid reasons like genuine need, but to buy an expensive watch, and never paying it back;

- Having sex then going home immediately afterwards;

- Insisting that you're still having a casual, open
relationship when you've been together for eight years.

Friends of the victim partner will invariably say things like 'Why does she put up with it?', and rightly so. They assume the crap partner has some redeeming feature: striking good looks, a fun personality, charisma, or similar. The real shock occurs when they finally meet the crap partner. It's not a charming Hugh Grant-alike who bounds into the pub, but a boring, bad-tempered dwarf in a shell suit who looks as though they've been hit in the face with a sock full of coins. The appeal of this person remains a genuine mystery.

And so it is with Boris Johnson. Or 'Bonking Boris' as he was cleverly dubbed by The Sun. (What is it with The Sun and their relentless infantilism? Does the chief sub-editor say to his wife 'I thought for Valentine's day we could go out for a nice meal then come home and have a SHAG-TASTIC BONK'? Actually, don't answer that question.)

This week it was revealed that 41-year-old Boris has added to his (admittedly short) list of extra-marital conquests journalist Anna Fazackerley, 29. Not long ago he shagged another journalist, meeja luvvie Petronella Wyatt. All we can say is: Anne Robinson beware.

Boris is an unlikely ladies' man, in the same way that Mr Tumnus is an unlikely ladies' man. Sure, Boris has a certain charm. If you had to compile a list of adjectives to describe Boris they'd be things like: bumbling, boyish, posh and educated. The problem is that Boris is only a charming, colourful character in comparison with other politicians, most of whom are grey men, ruthless workaholics or joyless party apparatchiks. Boris is a 'character', but only because most politicians have had any shred of spontaneity removed by hours of media training designed to help them stay 'on-message'.

In the real world, Boris would be a bit of a twat. The strange, bumbling, overgrown public schoolboy persona he's cultivated gets tired rather quickly. At one level it *is* quite charming, but for fuck's sake, the guy is 41. Then there's the sight of him huffing and puffing around London in a bicycle helmet and trouser clips. Imagine that particular image popping into your head at the point of orgasm.

Even if you buy into the idea that Boris really is Billy Bunter grown up, there's always the possibility that you'd be completely wrong. You don't get on in politics without being a bit of a bastard. Some politicians are bigger bastards than others, but it's a reasonable assumption that Boris can throw his weight around just like anyone else.

It's not even as though Boris can rely on the aphrodisiac properties of power, since he's quite obviously given up on a serious career in politics. Not only do his careless extra-marital dalliances mean he's a bit of a liability for any party leader, he also quite clearly prefers his media career, ranging from editing from the mentally ill person's journal of record, The Spectator, to hosting 'Have I Got News for You'.

Still, it looks as though Boris has joined a select band of unlikely lotharios whose existence is even more surprising than the Flat Earth Society. They really should formalise their shagging exploits and form Britain's Most Unlikely Studs Club. Potential members would include Rod Liddle, David Blunkett and John Major. And their patron saint could be David Mellor.

We're feeling a bit queasy now, so we'll stop.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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