- About TFT
Friday Thing Archive
- Politics
- Media
- Culture and Society
- War On Terror
- People
- Places
- World
- Popped Clogs
- Music
- Books
- Film
- Etc
Help And Info
- Contact Details
- Advertising
- Jobs
- Privacy Policy
- XML Feed

Home > Politics

The BNP: Mein Kamp

13 May 2006

Most of us who consider ourselves rational and politically aware tend to write off the British National Party as a bunch of unimaginative, narrow-minded, racist homophobes. Prepare then to change your views. Because Richard Barnbrook, star of the BNP when last week he won eleven council seats in the borough of Barking and Dagenham, has set out to prove everyone wrong about the values he stands for. It has been revealed that, amongst his (surely numerous) achievements, Barnbrook at one time immersed himself in the world of arthouse Marxist gay erotica.

Well, we should point out that he had actually kept modestly quiet about this achievement, but now we all know better thanks to Searchlight, an anti-fascist organisation, who leaked the story and simultaneously ripped the scab off the myth that the BNP are all right-wing alpha-males. At last we have a BNP candidate who openly demonstrates a love for a man in a sailor suit - a fact made crystal-clear by the film he co-scripted, the beautifully-titled 'HMS Discovery: A Love Story'.

Not only is it refreshing to hear that a man we had assumed to be bigoted and rather repulsive has shown such a broad-minded view towards gay socialism, it's also a great relief to see such creativity in a party which has, both creatively and politically, seemed so stuck in a rut. For Barnbrook's masterwork doesn't sound like any run-of-the-mill porn flick - it sounds like a work of genius.

The film has been described as avant-garde in its audacious use of sailors' outfits, although these feature in the film less than one might imagine due to the brisk narrative which sees two such nautically-costumed characters ripping off each others' clothes, splashing about in a river together and fondling one another.

Barnbrook's own literary contribution to the film is evident in the sheer poetry of the script itself. 'It bares you like a foreskin's folds,' one of the characters declares, 'you will make yourself a beauty, hard as rusting trucks and slag.' Gay poetry unrivalled even by the magnificently fruity WH Auden. Clearly, this is a great, great piece of cinema. And we welcome it. By embracing gay Marxist porn, the BNP has finally made itself a legitimate party, and one that we would be more than happy to vote for.

It may strike some as a bit of a U-turn - but no more than Labour's adoption of Conservative values in the late 90s. And let's face it, since that time there has been a gap in the market for parties with Marxist values. Furthermore, since Mark Oaten's departure from mainstream politics, there has also been a gaping hole in the people-who-like-a-man-in-uniform market, and for the BNP to fill both of these gaps in a single stroke makes a lot of sense and will rightly win them a lot of support. Opportunistic it may be, but we all know that politics is not about remaining true to a set of values, or even to promises - it's merely about saying what people want to hear. And finally, at long last, the BNP are doing this for a broader spectrum of people than the ignorant, racist segment of society. No more are they saying 'out with the darkies' and 'let's keep our race pure'; now, they are proudly declaring 'bring on the erotic gay Marxist films, we're hard as rusting trucks and slag!'

Except that in any party there are always going to be a few spoilsports who want to stick to the 'old ways'. Labour backbenchers, for example. It is in a similar spirit that BNP stick-in-the-muds like their leader Nick Griffin (who must surely feel threatened by the rusting trucks and slag) is currently denying any kind of queerness or Marxist leanings in his party, writing off Barnbrook's superb opus with arguments along the lines of 'come on, all nationalistic heterosexuals have accidentally made a Marxist gay porn film once or twice in their lives...' He has been muttering that the whole thing is 'pathetic rubbish' and that 'Richard is not a Marxist or gay' in what can only be described as a big queeny fit.

We all know how the film world works. Mel Gibson made 'The Passion of the Christ' because he is a Catholic. Steven Spielberg made 'Schindler's List' because he is a Jew. Tom Cruise made 'Mission: Impossible III' because he enjoys senselessly admiring his own face. Why would Richard Barnbrook make a Marxist homosexual film? The answer is very, very simple: because he is a Marxist homosexual. Let's remember that this was back in 1989, before 'Brokeback Mountain' made it pretty much obligatory to have a gay subplot in every film. Barnbrook was bravely expressing his own glorious Marxist gayness - and good for him!

In a way, his inclinations should have been obvious even without the film. It's an established fact that the biggest homophobes (of which the ranks of the BNP must surely number) are all repressed queers themselves. By the same logic, it's clear that members of the BNP actually really like black people, they're just scared to express it.

Barnbrook himself has, so far, remained silent on the subject. Cynics will suggest that this is because he is currently kicking the shit out of some gay Marxists to salve his nationalist, sexually repressed conscience. But we would prefer to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that it's because he's too busy sucking cock.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

Subscribe to The Friday Thing for free

Bad words ahead The Friday Thing is a weekly email comment sheet. Casting a cynical eye over the week's events, it is rarely fair and never balanced.

A selection of articles from each week's issue appear online, but to enjoy the full Thing, delivered by email every Friday - as well as access to almost five years of back issues - you'll need to subscribe. It's absolutely free.

"Razor-sharp comment and gossip." - The Sunday Times

"Hilariously cynical..To describe it as 'irreverent' is to do the newsletter an injustice." - The Observer

"Sharp, intelligent, opinionated, uncompromising and very, very funny. Just like 'Private Eye' used to be." - Alec McKelland

"Wicked" - Channel 4

"Ace" - Time Out

"'We rise once again in advocacy of The Friday Thing. We realize that some of you may be unwilling to spend [your money] on plain-text comment, but you're only depriving yourself." - The Minor Fall, The Major Lift

"Subscribing to this at the beginning of the year was undoubtedly one of the better decisions I've made. Superlative, and utterly marvellous. I look forward to Fridays now, because I can't wait for the next issue. Fucking fucking brilliant." - Meish.org

"Featuring writers from The Observer, Smack The Pony and The 11 O'Clock Show... will continue to attract new subscribers sight unseen" - NeedToKnow

"The Friday Thing is so good it's stopping me from doing a bunk of a Friday afternoon." - Annie Blinkhorn (The Erotic Review)

"So now" - The Evening Standard

"Damn it, you rule. May you never, ever back down." - Paul Mayze

"Ace" - PopJustice

"Snarky" - Online Journalism Review

"Can you please stop making me laugh out loud... I'm supposed to be working, you know!" - Tamsin Tyrwhitt

"Your coverage of stuff as it spills is right on the money." - Mike Woods

"Popbitch with A-Levels." - Tim Footman

"In an inbox full of trite work-related nonsense, TFT shines from under its subject heading like the sun out of Angus Deayton's arse." - Nikki Hunt

"A first rate email. It's become an integral part of my week, and my life would be empty and meaningless without it (well, *more* empty and meaningless anyway)." - Mark Pugh

"Genius, absolute bit of class. And you can quote me on that." - Lee Neville

"If you're hipper than hell, this is what you read." - MarketingSherpa

"The most entertaining email I've had all week. Great tone." - Matthew Prior

"A massive and engrossing wit injection." - idiotica.co.uk

"I wouldn't know satire if it bit me on the arse. But I did like the Naomi Campbell joke." - Matt Kelly (The Mirror)

"Has had an understandably high profile among people who know about these things." - Guy Clapperton (Guardian Online)

"Satirical sideswipes at the burning issues of the day." - Radio 5 Live

"Puerile and worthless... Truly fabulous... Do read the whole thing." - Stephen Pollard

The Friday Thing 2001-2008 - All Rights Reserved