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Home > Politics

Tony Blair - The Autumn Years

1 October 2006

'Why can’t Derek Hatton be circumcised?’ runs the ancient joke. 'Because there’s no end to this prick’ is the eminently true but none-too-hilarious punch line.

Sadly, the words 'Derek Hatton’ could easily be replaced with 'Tony Blair’. As Blair finally, grudgingly admitted it was time to step down as Labour leader, in a speech that was eerily similar to his thespy Parkinson appearance, we had a feeling we’re still going to see a lot of him in years to come. But what will he do to fill the time when he isn’t Prime Minister? We suspect it might be some, or all, of the following...


- Take a much-needed holiday. After all, Tony hasn’t been on holiday for almost a month now, so six weeks in the Seychelles or staying at an Italian crook’s villa is *way* overdue.

- Do a US lecture tour circuit. Not only do former heads of state stand to make a pretty penny from lecturing in the US, it’s also the only country where Blair will actually be welcome, thanks to dumb-ass, parochial Americans who think Blair is a national hero in the United Kingdom of England (and quite possibly that he’s married to the Queen and hangs out with William Shakespeare).
- Write his autobiography. It’s pretty de rigeur for former statesmen to write their memoirs, usually with the in-no-way-contradictory aims of proving what a nice guy they are and settling some old scores. And, of course, any good political autobiography should ruthlessly distort the actual facts to prove that the author was Right All Along, e.g. 'In 2003 more than a million people marched through the streets of London to express their support for the invasion of Iraq.’
- Reform Ugly Rumours. Naturally, a new line up will be needed, largely because, as a recent documentary showed, even the members of his long-disbanded, short-lived university band think he’s a tosser.
- Host his own talk show. It was patently obvious that Blair preferred Michael Parkinson’s obsequious crap to answering tricky questions in the House of Commons or at press conferences, and with Tony’s matey approach and winning smile, who better to host a chat show? And in the style of Parky, Blair could allow *his* guests to avoid awkward questions and instead blather on in a way calculated to win public sympathy. In the first show, Donald Rumsfeld recounts how he once helped a bird with a broken wing.
- Spend more time at showbiz events. It’s obvious that Blair considers politics to be considerably less important than showbiz, changing policy at the request of a celebrity chef and inviting Noel Gallagher to Downing Street, even though the Manc gobshite’s deepest pieces of thinking rarely rise above the level of: 'How many special people change? How many lives are living strange?’
- Have a long, hard think about whether he did the right thing over Iraq.

Nah. Just kidding.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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