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Home > Politics

David Blunkett: A Life in Film

19 January 2007

We all like to fantasise about being a character in a movie, don't we? Take the twice-disgraced corrupt cuckolder with a persecution-complex, ex-cabinet minister David Blunkett, for example. No doubt he sees himself as the tragic Rochester in 'Jane Eyre' after Thornfield Hall burns down: blind (obviously), brought low by a wild, uncontrollable woman, and his prospects in smoking ruins.

However, after reports came before Christmas that while Home Secretary he 'shrieked' at the head of the Prison Service to machine gun rioting prisoners, he comes across more like Gary Oldman's terrifyingly unhinged and unpredictable DEA agent, Norman Stansfield, from Luc Besson's hitman masterpiece, 'Leon'. Imagine the scene. Blunkett has just been told of the riot:

Blunkett: Bring me everyone.

Head of the Prison Service: What do you mean 'everyone'?


And then, in the subsequent investigation(s) into his corruption, you can imagine him howling 'I HAVEN'T GOT TIME FOR THIS MICKEY MOUSE BULLSHIT!' at his tormentors.

This week saw Blunkett in a titanic team up not seen since Jean Claude Van Damme joined with Jean Claude Van Damme to battle evil in 'Double Impact'. Making common cause with Doris Karloff herself, Ann Widdecombe, Blunkett railed against their being thwarted in dealing with the Teenage Menace:

'...every time you or I or others have moved in that direction we've had the liberal media absolutely going bonkers about it.'
Blunkett's solution to the teenage criminality that threatens to sweep the nation under the patronage of eeevil liberals is simple: put them under curfew while simultaneously bulldozing their slums. Genius. Shame machine guns didn't get a mention, though.

The thing is, David's missing a cinematic trick here. Building nice shiny new communities for the underclass, it's a bit, well, *liberal*, isn't it? (Don't worry, he didn't mention anything truly bedwetting like better education, wages and job prospects).

No, what we need to do is build high walls around these communities to keep the scum in like they do with Manhattan in dystopian thriller, 'Escape from New York'. Wall 'em up and let 'em get on with it. It's the ultimate curfew. Ann can help David pick potential escapees off the walls.

'Left a bit, left a bit. Down a bit. Let him have it, David!'

It looks like this Mr Rochester might have found his Jane Eyre at last.

(See David in action).

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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