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Home > Politics

A Replacement For Trident: Can Britain Get It Up?

16 March 2007

'Come in and sit down, Mr Britain,' the doctor said sympathetically. 'What can I do for you today?'

'Well...' Mr Britain began and proceeded to list his ailments.

It's true what they say, the doctor thought as he listened, getting old is a cruel and miserable business. He had many elderly patients, but whenever one of them sadly admonished him with 'don't ever get old, doctor', it would never fail to chill his heart by another degree of disquiet.

Just look at old Mr Britain, for example. He was a small, still dapper man, despite the air of a slight threadbareness about him. He'd been a prize fighter in his day, punching above his weight, and there was hardly anywhere in the world he hadn't visited. He'd done it all. But now the trophies were long dusty and the memories sepia.

'...and then there's sex, doctor,' said the old man.

'I'm sorry?' said the doctor, startled from his thoughts.

'You know,' said Mr Britain, without a hint of embarrassment. 'Fucking.'

Here we go again, the doctor thought. The only way to deal with Mr Britain when he was in this mood was to be as equally brazen.

'Fucking,' replied the doctor, evenly. 'We've been through this before, haven't we, Mr Britain. You might have given that German woman a good seeing to but that was a long time ago now, wasn't it?'

'Well, yes...' said the old man, his voice trailing off. He knew what was coming next.

'The only other woman I can recall you expressing an interest in fucking was that Russian lady and the last time you mentioned her was in about 1989. And then it was all about some bizarre threesome with your American friend. I seem to recall the poor Russian woman had some kind of breakdown. Fell to pieces, you
could say.'

'But this Trident you have me on,' said Britain, 'it's helped my performance up until now but I'm not sure it's working any more. Haven't you got anything else?'

'Well, there is a new version in development. Mr Britain. But to be frank with you, if I were to prescribe it to you, who do you have to fuck with? And please don't say those Middle Eastern ladies you say you've been chasing all over the place.'

'Well, you never know when you might meet somebody,' Mr Britain said hopefully.

'I'm very sorry, Mr Britain.' said the doctor, 'Don't you think your Casanova days are behind you? And you have other conditions that require more urgent treatment. What about your violent mood swings and your terrible diet?'

Mr Britain clenched his fists and closed his eyes.

Elsewhere, the sun was setting.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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