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Home > War On Terror

Saddam to the slaughter

"One of the president's bodyguards brought 30 prisoners out. They were Kurds. The president himself shot them one after another with a Browning pistol. Another 30 prisoners were brought and the process was repeated. Saddam Hussein was laughing; he was obviously enjoying himself. There was blood everywhere. It was like an abattoir."

- a statement, read by Ann Clwyd MP in the House of Commons.

"Stand him out in a field. Put a medal on his chest — a bull’s eye medal — and have Iraqi soldiers fire on him."

- Steve Stanko, 70, of Deep River, Connecticut.

17 December 2003

It's a conundrum: what to do with Saddam Hussein.

The big problem is that, however much of a gleefully brutal arch-criminal Saddam is, whatever the scale of the horrors he has committed, and no matter how many countries are hankering after his hide, there is only one of him to go around.

And even if Saddam gets to be executed, is one execution enough? Not for Mohsen Abdul Hameed, the secretary general of the Iraqi Islamic Party, it isn't. "There are enough crimes," says Hameed, "to hang him many thousands of times."

Others want him kept alive. Kofi Annan (whose voice, and the voice of the UN, seems weaker every day) states: "The UN does not support the death penalty and all the courts we've set up have not included the death penalty. So as secretary general and the UN as an organisation are not going to now turn around and support the death penalty."

Poor old Kofi Annan. An old man muttering to himself. It's sad to see really.

Iran wants "the right to sue him at international bodies," says Abdollah Ramezanzadeh, a government spokesman in Tehran. And according to a senior State Department official, the Bush administration "reserves the right" to try the former Iraqi leader for crimes against the United States.

Tony Blair is doing a wonderful job of ducking the issue. "This is something which in my view should be determined by the Iraqi government and the Iraqi people." Not our problem, la la la. But something is going to have to be sorted out, and soon. ''We will get sovereignty on June 30 and I can tell you, he could be executed on July 1" says Mouwafak al Rabii of the Iraqi Governing Council.


There is really only one way to go with this. A solution must be found which is severe enough to satisfy those crying out to see Saddam's blood spilled, and one which gives every interested party a bite of the pie.

We at the Friday Thing have come up with a solution: start chopping him up. Saddam can be surgically dismembered and be still kept alive on a drip for years (thus appeasing Annan and Amnesty and all the anti-death penalty brigade).

The various amputations and removals can be carried out by surgeons appointed by the individual nations, who can operate without anaesthetic if they so desire (provided they do not endanger the long-term health of the former dictator with their incisions).

Obviously a decision will have to be made (perhaps by the Iraqi Governing Council, or even the UN) as to who gets which bit, the order in which the bits are removed, and a feasible timetable for the procedures - but once that has been thrashed out the surgery can begin.

The following distribution scheme seems a reasonable one:

1. Donald Rumsfeld: his tongue (to shut him up about their friendship)
2. General Sanchez: his ass
3. The Kurds: his eyes and feet
4. Kuwait: a kidney
5. Iran: the other kidney (he can survive on dialysis)
6. Israel: his arms
7. The Marsh Arabs: his cock and balls
8. The Shiite Muslims: his lower jaw
9. Suni: his intestines
10. Britain: his beard shavings

Note: his fingers and toes will be shared out between the members of the coalition. Spain and Australia get a thumb each.

Note also: the French and German are not allowed anything. However much they stamp their little feet and shout.

Indict homepage:


The judgement of Solomon:


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