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Home > War On Terror

I know what you're thinking

23 January 2004

Do you worry about people? Worry that they might be thinking bad thoughts? That they don't like you? That they're not being entirely honest with you?

The problem is that all this things are invisible, right?


Well, that is to say: they *are* invisible, but it's very old-fashioned thinking that says you can't see invisible things.

Luckily, there are scientists out there who are prepared to Think Outside The Box and ignore Conventional Thinking and Sell You Something That Might Work Sometimes. So your own decision is whose to buy. But hurry and make your decision: bad people are lying to you RIGHT NOW.

If budget is an issue for you, Sir or Madam, you might like to try some of the products offered at www.nemesysco.com, which has a reassuringly-cheap-looking Flash website that looks like the kind of site that small-fry estate agents stick up for a while. Not only will their gizmos like the HeroVoice tell you whether someone is lying (possibly), it will also record what they say. A bit like a tape-recorder which comes with a coin you can toss.

A step up the price ladder are the products on offer at V Entertainment. Nemesysco's patented Poly-Layered Voice Analysis tells you things you wouldn't believe. And you probably shouldn't. It reveals the speaker's, "thinking level", "SOS level", and even how much they love you. It will be available on mobiles and toys very soon.

Most impressive, but priciest, is NASA's solution. This is more complex, since it takes a scan of your brain, but being more complex, it can tell not just whether you're lying or not, but whether you're having suspicious thoughts. Working with "an unnamed commercial partner", NASA have developed "non-invasive neuro-electric sensors" which will reveal whether you've got evil on your mind -- whether you know it or not.

One good test for all of these would be to strap the Professor Frinks who've invented them into their own machines and ask them whether they really think they work. If it comes up negative, then they're all liars and should stop their awful con jobs. And if it comes up positive, then that just proves that a subject can genuinely believe something that's obviously bullshit and the things aren't worth a damn.

Oh, one last thing: these things aren't just bought by perverts visiting spy shops. The U.S. Air Force are interested in the one that can also tell if people love you. And the European Commission just passed on the details of 10 million passengers to the various spooks and agencies and companies working with NASA on one of the biggest con jobs of all time.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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