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"I'll be front"

They're not going to do it, are they? Surely not. Surely. Oh Christ Jesus, they just might elect him.

3 October 2003

Not long now eh? Then we’ll know, once and for all, without a shadow of a doubt, if the American public really are as confused, frightened and, OK, we’ll say it, dumb as they actually appear.

Well, we say not long, but at the time of writing, the gubernatorial recall elections could actually still be another six months away. Odd that. That it should have been last week, that it was going to be last week, and then suddenly, no. The official reason for the postponement - involving punch-card
ballots, 'hanging chad' potential and fear of a repeat of the farce in Florida - sounds plausible. If pathetic. And of course it is plausible. If pathetic. Completely plausible. We're not for one moment suggesting that the election was postponed because Bush's boy Arnold wasn't quite ready to storm to victory. No, no, no. We wouldn’t dare.

But is it really possible that Arnold Schwarzenegger could actually end up wielding political power? Arnold Schwarzenegger?! You bet your sweet hiney it's possible. Not only is it possible, it's almost a certainty. Ronald Reagan was nowhere near as popular as Arnie when he was elected president. And his policies were equally flimsy. This is how America works. It's a country based on the star system. Forget the Nazis in the cupboard. Forget the disturbing power-hunger and the ultra-violence. Arnie is a Star. A Fucking Big Star.

And what's more, he is the epitome of the American Dream, in sharp-suited, super-chiselled, heavily-accented slow motion. He is destined one day, after a few tweaks of the law as it stands, to become President. Maybe of the Entire Universe.

We should be very grateful that we don't have similar notions of self-betterment in this country. We should be grateful that we know our place. We might have allowed Gyles Brandreth and Sebastian Coe their fifteen minutes of political celebrity, but we would never never vote for Vinnie Jones. Or would we? Fucking
hell, we actually made Gyles Brandreth a member of parliament. We really are a ridiculous nation. Even so. Ridiculous we may be, but we will never stoop so low as America, where celebrity-driven Oprah-sanctioned politics fail to even raise an eyebrow. And it's not going to stop here. If they’ll allow Arnold Schwarzenegger and Gary 'What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?' Coleman to go head to head in the same election, how long before an actual cartoon character is elected to power in America?

Really. It's the logical next step. It wouldn't be Homer Simpson of course, because Homer is a slob - he doesn't look the part. No, rather it would be Rainier Wolfcastle... better known as McBain.

Oh. Hold on a minute. This is where we came in.

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