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Home > World

Kissing People Is Wrong

Unlock those lips! Tatyana Maximova is in town.

15 November 2003

In 1439 kissing was banned in England. Not because we’re a nation of sexless lizard-people who would rather read a bland children’s book in bed than make any kind of embarrassing physical contact - not primarily at least - but because of the old Black Death. A reasonable excuse then, but you can bet your last bubo that people kissed anyway. Because kissing is nice. In fact, it’s one of the nicest things we’ve got.

But this week - lest we forget, the same week in which Annis Abdullah spends the first of his 104 weeks in prison for having his penis orally stimulated in Singapore - the authorities that be in Moscow are currently talking of banning public kissing. And with no God or large, enflamed lymph nodes telling them to do so, you have to ask yourself, what on earth is going on in their

Official justification is that they want to ‘improve morals’. Member of Moscow’s Education Committee, Tatyana Maximova, is spearheading the campaign. As reported in the Stolichnaya Vechernyaya Gazeta, Maximova told the committee last week, ‘Children do not need any sexual education classes in school. They get amoral lessons every day when they see what goes on around them... People are even making out on the escalator in the metro. Something must be done about this.’ And we think Anne Widdecombe is bad.

Of course we’re right, Anne Widdecombe is horrendous, but even she wouldn’t go this far in her knee-jerk puritanical sex-fear. Or at least she wouldn’t be allowed to. To make matters worse, Maximova is not alone. Keen to do even more to maintain public order, Moscow’s police force are right behind her.

Apparently holding hands and stroking hair will still be permitted, as will a brief peck of greeting or farewell. However, anything that smacks of kissing for pleasure will be punished with an on-the-spot fine. Non-payers will be held in police custody until they do pay. It is part of an overall crackdown on loose morals which will also target other offensive public behaviour such as drinking alcohol, being drunk, swearing, spitting, making eye-contact or holding conversation.

In opposition to the ban, human rights activist Valeriya Novodvorskaya said, ‘If this is not a joke and the mayor's office is indeed drafting such a resolution, I will start spending my days kissing in public places - just out of principle.’ She urged others to do the same. Wow. How great would that be? Let’s hope they do pass this law and gangs of couples start street-snogging in open defiance. Orgies breaking out all over Moscow, the authorities lost in a sea of bodily fluids, incapable of enforcing their petty little tyrannies. And of course they should be doing the same in Singapore right now. Every Singaporean couple opposed to the oral sex ban should be queuing up at their local police stations, prepared if necessary to eat each other senseless right there on the cement, whatever it takes to overturn that stupid fucking law.

Meanwhile in Moscow, someone needs to sit that Maximova woman down and somehow pummel some joie de vivre into her rancid old bones. Maybe they should make her watch ‘Footloose’. That usually does the trick.

Safe Kissing:


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