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The TFT Guide To... Iraq as the new Vietnam

It's been claimed that Iraq is Bush's Vietnam, which can surely only be good news for film makers planning to document the conflict. But how could Iraq be made even more like 'Nam?

9 April 2004

1) Troops to go into battle to the sound of a classic 1960s soundtrack*. In slow motion.

2) All military units to be composed of a dramatically interesting mix of personalities: ill-educated but perceptive black guy, idealistic college graduate, white trash crazy from the deep South, someone called Joker, good sergeant, bad sergeant...

3)Conversations during firefights must *not* consist of 'Incoming fire!', 'Watch the left flank' or 'Request armour support.' Instead conversations must consist of enigmatic epithets, eg. 'You cut a guy in half with an M60, then ya give him a Band-aid. Shit, man. Fucking hardcore.'

4) The entire native female population of Iraq to become prostitutes and say things like 'You suckee fuckee, big GI man?' when they could just say 'Would you like oral sex?'

5) Murder, rape and general brutality to be justified with nonsensical homespun philosophy, eg. 'Ain't no morality out here. It's like it is, y'know? Just like it fuckin' is.'

6) Entire US military force to be replaced by John Rambo.

7) One soldier to go missing in action, later to be found taking part in a Russian roulette betting ring, to enable Meryl Streep to really get her teeth into the role of his wife.

8) Some battles to be 'toned down' for bland network TV series.

9) On returning home, all combatants to have awkward relationship with hippy girl.

10) US government to recoup entire cost of Iraq war with the tax revenue from iconic films made about the conflict.


*FACTOID: the music of choice of regular army (non-conscript)
white troops in Vietnam was Country & Western.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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