2001-2008
Home
Main
- About TFT
Friday Thing Archive
- Politics
- Media
- Culture and Society
- War On Terror
- People
- Places
- World
- Popped Clogs
- Music
- Books
- Film
- Etc
Help And Info
- Contact Details
- Advertising
- Jobs
- Privacy Policy
- XML Feed

Home > World

The TFT Guide To... Arnie's America

This week Arnold Schwarzenegger wowed the Republican convention by yet again rehashing lines from his films, claiming that an American soldier wounded in Iraq had told him 'I'll be back' and calling the Democratic convention 'true lies'. But what will America be like if Arnie's political career continues to soar?

3 September 2004

1) All political debate to be conducted in quotes from films...

REPUBLICAN: You want the truth about the budget deficit? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

DEMOCRAT: You lookin' at me? You lookin' at me?

REPUBLICAN: I don't expect you to talk, Mr Bond. I expect you to die.

DEMOCRAT: I used to bullseye womp rats in my T-16 back home. They're not much bigger than two metres.

2) War on Terror to be won by one highly-motivated and apparently indestructible commando who delivers a 'witty' put-down to his victims before he kills them, eg. 'Fuck you, asshole.'

3) Constitution to be amended to allow foreigners to run for president. However, any president must now be capable of bench-pressing 800 pounds.

4) America to get new official language: Arnish. All citizens are taught to speak in agonisingly dislocated sentences in a strange, monotonic Austrian accent, eg. 'I em zinking, vudd yoo like a cup off coff-vee? Or are yoo a girlie-man hooze coff-vee iss de-car-finated?'

5) Control of Senate to be given to whichever party can perform most impressive act of macho one-upmanship, eg. cracking a walnut between your buttocks.



Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

Subscribe to The Friday Thing for free


 ABOUT THE FRIDAY THING
Bad words ahead The Friday Thing is a weekly email comment sheet. Casting a cynical eye over the week's events, it is rarely fair and never balanced.

A selection of articles from each week's issue appear online, but to enjoy the full Thing, delivered by email every Friday - as well as access to almost five years of back issues - you'll need to subscribe. It's absolutely free.

READERS WRITE
"Razor-sharp comment and gossip." - The Sunday Times

"Hilariously cynical..To describe it as 'irreverent' is to do the newsletter an injustice." - The Observer

"Sharp, intelligent, opinionated, uncompromising and very, very funny. Just like 'Private Eye' used to be." - Alec McKelland

"Wicked" - Channel 4

"Ace" - Time Out

"'We rise once again in advocacy of The Friday Thing. We realize that some of you may be unwilling to spend [your money] on plain-text comment, but you're only depriving yourself." - The Minor Fall, The Major Lift

"Subscribing to this at the beginning of the year was undoubtedly one of the better decisions I've made. Superlative, and utterly marvellous. I look forward to Fridays now, because I can't wait for the next issue. Fucking fucking brilliant." - Meish.org

"Featuring writers from The Observer, Smack The Pony and The 11 O'Clock Show... will continue to attract new subscribers sight unseen" - NeedToKnow

"The Friday Thing is so good it's stopping me from doing a bunk of a Friday afternoon." - Annie Blinkhorn (The Erotic Review)

"So now" - The Evening Standard

"Damn it, you rule. May you never, ever back down." - Paul Mayze

"Ace" - PopJustice

"Snarky" - Online Journalism Review

"Can you please stop making me laugh out loud... I'm supposed to be working, you know!" - Tamsin Tyrwhitt

"Your coverage of stuff as it spills is right on the money." - Mike Woods

"Popbitch with A-Levels." - Tim Footman

"In an inbox full of trite work-related nonsense, TFT shines from under its subject heading like the sun out of Angus Deayton's arse." - Nikki Hunt

"A first rate email. It's become an integral part of my week, and my life would be empty and meaningless without it (well, *more* empty and meaningless anyway)." - Mark Pugh

"Genius, absolute bit of class. And you can quote me on that." - Lee Neville

"If you're hipper than hell, this is what you read." - MarketingSherpa

"The most entertaining email I've had all week. Great tone." - Matthew Prior

"A massive and engrossing wit injection." - idiotica.co.uk

"I wouldn't know satire if it bit me on the arse. But I did like the Naomi Campbell joke." - Matt Kelly (The Mirror)

"Has had an understandably high profile among people who know about these things." - Guy Clapperton (Guardian Online)

"Satirical sideswipes at the burning issues of the day." - Radio 5 Live

"Puerile and worthless... Truly fabulous... Do read the whole thing." - Stephen Pollard

The Friday Thing 2001-2008 - All Rights Reserved