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The TFT Guide To... What else can go wrong in Iraq

Even Tony 'Righteous Brother' Blair must be having a few sleepless nights over Iraq. The occupation of Iraq seems to keep spiralling downward just when you think it's bottomed out on the lowest plateau of awfulness. Like The Princess Diaries. Kidnappings, car bombs, street fighting in Falluja - it's looking pretty grim (Iraq, not The Princess Diaries). But if, as seems entirely likely, things are going to get worse, what will happen?

29 October 2004

1) 'Saddam Hussein' turns out to be Jeremy Beadle, perpetrating his biggest TV hoax yet.

2) Americans do moonlight flit while the Brits aren't looking. Black Watch troops awake to find a note saying 'Guys, we had a great time last year, but we're not ready for commitment right now. Yours, 101st Airborne Division.'

3) Iraqi insurgents try a new tactic designed to break the will of the animal-loving British public: kidnapping cute pets instead of people. After Al Jazeera broadcasts a videotape of a shivering kitten called Mr Posh Paws wearing a blindfold, overwhelming public pressure forces an immediate, total withdrawal.

4) Coalition troops face renewed opposition as Iraqi insurgents form a genuine 'axis of evil' with Iran, North Korea, Satan, Darth Vader and Dracula.

5) George Bush found to be clinically insane, but still wins US election by promising to defeat the Cylon menace.



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