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Home > World

True faith

19 November 2004

Until last week Steve Unfreid was the principal of the Matanuska Christian School in Alaska. Now he is out of a job and praying to God to show him what the hell to do with his life. Some might think this odd, considering it was God who told him to do that which got him fired in the first place, but not Steve. For Steve has faith. And faith moves mountains.

The situation was thus: two boys, aged 17 and 18, had been caught in the act of kissing their girlfriends for the second time in a week, and were therefore to be expelled. That's right, expelled. For kissing. Christians don't like kissing. Which is strange. You'd think they would, because kissing (like sex, but less so) is nothing if it isn't a sublime celebration of the exquisite beauty and magnificence of one of God's most glorious creations: humankind. But no. Christians don't like it. Presumably they're afraid that if we're kissing one another, we're not really thinking about God, and if we're not really thinking about God, we might start thinking for ourselves. Best just expel the horny little demons. Interestingly, they had no intention of expelling the boys' girlfriends. Go figure. Sexless *and* sexist. Christians really do suck. Metaphorically.

But not all of them. For Steve Unfreid is a Christian with a clue. He knew it was madness to expel two students for kissing when elsewhere across the world, school-pupils are knifing and raping their teachers as if violence and murder were the new hopscotch. And so he turned to Jesus and asked Him what he should do. Jesus must have been a bit gone on the Bloody Marys at the time, for his advice was mischievous to say the least - or at least it would seem so, to the faithless: 'Whip yourself in front of the guilty boys,' He said. 'Really go for it.'

So, down in 'a basement storage closet', Unfreid told the teen kissers, 'Guys, this has gotta stop. I've let the atmosphere get too lax. I share in this discipline. This is a one-time deal.' Then he took off his belt and handed it to teacher Joe Brost. 'Discipline me like you would discipline your own son,' he said. The thrashing that ensued lasted between five and ten minutes, at which pint Unfreid probably began to feel for Brost's son. But he wasn't there.

Unfreid described the self-punishment as 'an act of love'. And indeed it was. A wonderfully Christ-like gesture, sacrificing himself so that others might stay in school to kiss again, and maybe be even get to third base. Before the trouncing commenced, Unfreid apparently told Brost to stop only when the students had
acknowledged their mistake. It took them a while.

After Unfreid's sacking, Joe Brost resigned in an act of support. Many parents have since removed their children from the school. Things are happening. The mountains are beginning to move. This week he's been sitting at home giving interviews and praying to God. 'I'm sure God has a plan for myself and my family,' he said. We're sure too. But more importantly, what an inspiration Unfreid is for George Bush and Tony Blair. Let *them* pray to the same God as Steve Unfreid. Let *them* have Balls of Christ and take the punishment of those who transgress. When the next hostage is murdered, let George Bush cut a thumb from his right foot and send it to Al-Qaeda, promising that he won't stop until they've acknowledged their mistake. That would be interesting. And if
nothing else, he'd be out of a job by Christmas

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